The day before had been the worst day. A day when we got horrible news that sucked every bit of the life remaining in me out of me. The rug had been pulled out from under us yet again, and I was in complete and utter despair. I didn't see a solution. I didn't see a way out. None of the options before us were really ideal or the best for anyone. What was currently happening was the best option, but it was being taken away. I could not fathom how God could allow this to happen. How He could allow us to continue to suffer. How could He let the enemy continue to torment us? How could He let me go through this valley where I could not even hardly breathe when I had a singing engagement later in the week and two speaking engagements for which to prepare? I was in no shape to do either. Why couldn't we be left alone? Why couldn't we just live a normal life like the rest of the world? Why us again, Lord?
The next day I woke up feeling sick. I spent several hours trying to just feel halfway normal before finally dragging myself to the shower. After cleaning up, I started reading my Bible. And the Lord started speaking. I was sitting on my bed in our bedroom. The house was quiet. There was no noise. But I could hear God loud and clear as I read my assigned Bible reading for the day, which believe it or not, began with,
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1)
No joke. I did not plan it. But He did. He knew that was exactly what my heart was thinking. My mouth would not speak the words. Not those. Those were Jesus' words as He hung in excruciating pain on the cross. Those were holy words. I wouldn't say them. But yes, I was thinking them.
Then I went on to read my devotional book that I had just started. The devotional for the day described a year in the life of the writer where everything fell apart. I so identified with that. That was 2017 for us, and in many ways, we still have not fully recovered. I resonated with every single word on the page, and prayed back to the Lord the scripture the author used:
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them. (Isaiah 42:16)
After meditating for a long time on that verse and praying for all the requests of the day, the Lord began to give me a word for one of the speaking opportunities I have coming up. I couldn't hardly believe all He was showing me given how I felt. I made copious notes, tracked down many cross references, and a rough outline was beginning to form. I spent over an hour doing this and barely noticed the time. I was in the presence of the Almighty. He was ministering to me through His word. That was all I needed right then.
While in the middle of this precious time, I received a text message from a friend. She had just found out her dad has cancer. Grief rushed over me again, and I whispered a prayer for her and her family. I texted her back my love and offered to come if she needed me. I read the scripture passage again, "Along unfamiliar paths I will guide them." Yes, Lord. Do it for them, but also, do it for us.
The day went on, and I rested most of it. I was still feeling listless and had not been able to eat much all day. Later in the day, I decided to run through my song for the singing engagement I had in a couple of days, and I nearly cried my way through it. I had prayed and asked the Lord what He would have me sing at this event. The organizer had said to do whatever the Lord laid on my heart. Well, the Lord would not leave me alone about this particular song. I didn't really think this song suited my voice well, but He would not let me pick anything else. I had no idea the season we would be in when this service happened. I have repeated the bridge to myself over and over again:
When I'm desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done. ("More Than Anything," Natalie Grant)
Though we cannot see a way out, though it seems the best option has been taken away, Jesus already has all that we need done. The paths have been made straight and smooth. The darkness has been lit up. The unfamiliar will become familiar. And when we get to where we're going, He's already there. What a promise in which to rest.
The rest of the week there were constant reminders of that God was in control and that God was able to do what we needed and more. On Wednesday night, praise team rehearsal turned into a worship service for me. The service for which I sang reminded me that even in my broken state, God could still use me. I am still viable even with cracks and hurts and worries that are piled as high as the ceiling. He has not forsaken me. He will not forsake me. No matter what.
I found this quote that pretty much sums up this whole mess of a week:
And that is what I found at the end. Grace. Overwhelming. Undeserved. Amazing.
The next day I woke up feeling sick. I spent several hours trying to just feel halfway normal before finally dragging myself to the shower. After cleaning up, I started reading my Bible. And the Lord started speaking. I was sitting on my bed in our bedroom. The house was quiet. There was no noise. But I could hear God loud and clear as I read my assigned Bible reading for the day, which believe it or not, began with,
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1)
No joke. I did not plan it. But He did. He knew that was exactly what my heart was thinking. My mouth would not speak the words. Not those. Those were Jesus' words as He hung in excruciating pain on the cross. Those were holy words. I wouldn't say them. But yes, I was thinking them.
Then I went on to read my devotional book that I had just started. The devotional for the day described a year in the life of the writer where everything fell apart. I so identified with that. That was 2017 for us, and in many ways, we still have not fully recovered. I resonated with every single word on the page, and prayed back to the Lord the scripture the author used:
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them. (Isaiah 42:16)
After meditating for a long time on that verse and praying for all the requests of the day, the Lord began to give me a word for one of the speaking opportunities I have coming up. I couldn't hardly believe all He was showing me given how I felt. I made copious notes, tracked down many cross references, and a rough outline was beginning to form. I spent over an hour doing this and barely noticed the time. I was in the presence of the Almighty. He was ministering to me through His word. That was all I needed right then.
While in the middle of this precious time, I received a text message from a friend. She had just found out her dad has cancer. Grief rushed over me again, and I whispered a prayer for her and her family. I texted her back my love and offered to come if she needed me. I read the scripture passage again, "Along unfamiliar paths I will guide them." Yes, Lord. Do it for them, but also, do it for us.
The day went on, and I rested most of it. I was still feeling listless and had not been able to eat much all day. Later in the day, I decided to run through my song for the singing engagement I had in a couple of days, and I nearly cried my way through it. I had prayed and asked the Lord what He would have me sing at this event. The organizer had said to do whatever the Lord laid on my heart. Well, the Lord would not leave me alone about this particular song. I didn't really think this song suited my voice well, but He would not let me pick anything else. I had no idea the season we would be in when this service happened. I have repeated the bridge to myself over and over again:
When I'm desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done. ("More Than Anything," Natalie Grant)
Though we cannot see a way out, though it seems the best option has been taken away, Jesus already has all that we need done. The paths have been made straight and smooth. The darkness has been lit up. The unfamiliar will become familiar. And when we get to where we're going, He's already there. What a promise in which to rest.
The rest of the week there were constant reminders of that God was in control and that God was able to do what we needed and more. On Wednesday night, praise team rehearsal turned into a worship service for me. The service for which I sang reminded me that even in my broken state, God could still use me. I am still viable even with cracks and hurts and worries that are piled as high as the ceiling. He has not forsaken me. He will not forsake me. No matter what.
I found this quote that pretty much sums up this whole mess of a week:
Comments
Post a Comment