My dear friend who is an elementary school principal made a comment in Sunday school this past week that pretty much sums me up today:
"I have never been this exhausted entering a school year."
Her school had major changes happen over the summer that caused her to not have much of a summer at all, so she is totally justified in feeling that way.
But as she spoke those words, I had much the same feeling. At the end of last school year, our school board had decided to move Evan's special ed program to another school. This was devastating for us. We loved his school. We loved every single person at his school and knew many of them personally. It was convenient for Stewart to drop him off on his way to work. And we adored his teacher. His teacher was being moved to this new school, which was a plus, but the school was pretty far away from our home. With his seizures and medical needs, we just didn't think it was the right decision to send him that far away from us when we could potentially have to be there quickly in an emergency.
After agonizing all summer over what to do, about the first week of July, we had decided to send him to Zach's school. We had spoken with the principal earlier in the summer, and he had promised that they would do everything necessary to make this move happen. The only hiccup was that we were going to have to order some sort of wheelchair for the school to transport Evan from one place to another. Although this was not exactly what we wanted, we knew the day was fast approaching where we would have to get something for him. We had already started taking him to church every Sunday in his stroller because he has gotten too heavy to carry. So I talked to our pediatrician who put us in contact with a very nice lady who has ordered multiple chairs for her special needs daughter. She hooked us up with the right company, and the process has been started. However, it could be months before we get a chair, so we are borrowing one of this sweet little girl's old chairs until we get Evan's.
After much prayer, discussion, and pro/con listing, we felt as if this was God's plan for Evan to go to Zach's school. It was a dream come true - both boys at one school. Both of our boys would have been also with all of their buddies who are the same age as well. So I filled out paperwork and ordered new uniforms that matched the uniforms I had ordered for Zach for the past 6 years. Zach was so excited to have his brother at his school! He was so ready to take care of him and be that big brother that is so proud of his little brother!
But a week before school started, it all fell apart. The special education center called us in for a meeting, and it was obvious that Evan could not go to Zach's school. We had prayed so hard for God's will, but I had always known in the back of my mind that His will may not look like what we thought it looked like. So a week before school started, I was frantically searching for uniforms in a different color scheme and ordering school supplies for Evan. (And in case you ever wondered, they do not make purple and gold uniform tops in toddler sizes. Just a little FYI for you there.)
That night after the meeting, we had probably the worst conversation we've ever had with Zach as we told him Evan wasn't going to his school. He cried worse than I've ever seen him cry. He blamed us. He said, "But my friends get to have their brothers at school. Why can't I?" I was heartbroken. Having Evan at Zach's school somehow signaled to me that Evan was finally going to be like everybody else. But I was reminded once again that he most likely will never be like everyone else.
Today Stewart and I both went together and dropped both boys off at school. I was nearly in tears the whole time. I have no idea why. Zach jumped out of the car, ready for a new year with all new experiences for him. When we got to Evan's new school, his teacher was outside waiting for him. I know he's going to be okay. I know he is with people who will take care of him. It's just the letting go. It's the trusting that God has a better plan and letting Him work that plan for His glory.
Now I'm at home, and the exhaustion has set back in. I didn't sleep well at all last night. The house is quiet, for which I am grateful. They are both back in school, and I can finally get back to doing my own thing. And every second, I am telling myself, "It's going to be okay. This was God's plan." All things work together for good. Our good. His good. This whole school year is going to be a big exercise in trust for me, the Lord has told me. Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
"I have never been this exhausted entering a school year."
Her school had major changes happen over the summer that caused her to not have much of a summer at all, so she is totally justified in feeling that way.
But as she spoke those words, I had much the same feeling. At the end of last school year, our school board had decided to move Evan's special ed program to another school. This was devastating for us. We loved his school. We loved every single person at his school and knew many of them personally. It was convenient for Stewart to drop him off on his way to work. And we adored his teacher. His teacher was being moved to this new school, which was a plus, but the school was pretty far away from our home. With his seizures and medical needs, we just didn't think it was the right decision to send him that far away from us when we could potentially have to be there quickly in an emergency.
After agonizing all summer over what to do, about the first week of July, we had decided to send him to Zach's school. We had spoken with the principal earlier in the summer, and he had promised that they would do everything necessary to make this move happen. The only hiccup was that we were going to have to order some sort of wheelchair for the school to transport Evan from one place to another. Although this was not exactly what we wanted, we knew the day was fast approaching where we would have to get something for him. We had already started taking him to church every Sunday in his stroller because he has gotten too heavy to carry. So I talked to our pediatrician who put us in contact with a very nice lady who has ordered multiple chairs for her special needs daughter. She hooked us up with the right company, and the process has been started. However, it could be months before we get a chair, so we are borrowing one of this sweet little girl's old chairs until we get Evan's.
After much prayer, discussion, and pro/con listing, we felt as if this was God's plan for Evan to go to Zach's school. It was a dream come true - both boys at one school. Both of our boys would have been also with all of their buddies who are the same age as well. So I filled out paperwork and ordered new uniforms that matched the uniforms I had ordered for Zach for the past 6 years. Zach was so excited to have his brother at his school! He was so ready to take care of him and be that big brother that is so proud of his little brother!
But a week before school started, it all fell apart. The special education center called us in for a meeting, and it was obvious that Evan could not go to Zach's school. We had prayed so hard for God's will, but I had always known in the back of my mind that His will may not look like what we thought it looked like. So a week before school started, I was frantically searching for uniforms in a different color scheme and ordering school supplies for Evan. (And in case you ever wondered, they do not make purple and gold uniform tops in toddler sizes. Just a little FYI for you there.)
That night after the meeting, we had probably the worst conversation we've ever had with Zach as we told him Evan wasn't going to his school. He cried worse than I've ever seen him cry. He blamed us. He said, "But my friends get to have their brothers at school. Why can't I?" I was heartbroken. Having Evan at Zach's school somehow signaled to me that Evan was finally going to be like everybody else. But I was reminded once again that he most likely will never be like everyone else.
Today Stewart and I both went together and dropped both boys off at school. I was nearly in tears the whole time. I have no idea why. Zach jumped out of the car, ready for a new year with all new experiences for him. When we got to Evan's new school, his teacher was outside waiting for him. I know he's going to be okay. I know he is with people who will take care of him. It's just the letting go. It's the trusting that God has a better plan and letting Him work that plan for His glory.
Now I'm at home, and the exhaustion has set back in. I didn't sleep well at all last night. The house is quiet, for which I am grateful. They are both back in school, and I can finally get back to doing my own thing. And every second, I am telling myself, "It's going to be okay. This was God's plan." All things work together for good. Our good. His good. This whole school year is going to be a big exercise in trust for me, the Lord has told me. Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
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| This is what I needed to get me through the first day of school - Sonic and Nutella! |
I was in my car turning onto Military highway from Pierce this morning and I saw you and Stewart driving past me. Probably on the way home from dropping off precious Evan. For no real reason at all, I began praying for you and your family. God does not call us to do things we are comfortable with doing, because he like to prove that he has got you and your family in his hands when he helps you survive and thrive through the difficult and uncomfortable times. ( I think it's because he's jealous and like to get all the Glory- so he makes things happen for us that could never be explained any other way). The challenge is to give him glory in the midst of the massive uncomfortable feeling. I think that you have done that with this post! Amen to you sister!!! I'm gonna keep you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteGods plan is usually so much better than ours ;)
ReplyDeleteI cried for Zach, reading that.
There is nothing in the world that parallels to being a special needs mama. And nothing but the grace of God prepares you and equips you for the task. It definitely strengthens my prayer life